He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
