I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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