My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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