I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
