Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
