We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
