I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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