3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
