Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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