The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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