How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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