I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
