this beer tastes like vomit already
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
