I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
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Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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