just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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