I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
