Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
