Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
