it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
