So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
