ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
