So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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