You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
