We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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