You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
