I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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