I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
