I think i peed on brittanys purse
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i think i just lost a toe
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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