Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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