proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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