What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
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Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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