I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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