i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
