The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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