I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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