he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
