I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
