He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
