Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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