Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
