Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
