just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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