dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
