Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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