theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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