I faked an abortion last night.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
