Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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