I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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