I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
