I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
