I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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