so that wasnt chicken after all
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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