Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
