We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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