im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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