did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
