Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
